Part Four Dalogue:
Exercise 27 - Telling Talk:
Gina whirled into the apartment.
"You will not believe what Matt did today," She called from the entryway. The closet door opened and closed, her keys hit the table. I could hear her voice before she appeared next to my seat.
"So, you know how I had that big meeting with HMAC today?" She asked. Without pausing for a reply from me (response is unnecessary to Gina's storytelling) she launched into a summary of the past three meetings with this client, proving the loaded importance of this single meeting. "Well I asked Matt to order some food for the meeting. Donuts and coffee and whatever the catering provides. You know, to look nice. Do you know what he said?" Again, no wait. "He said that he was too busy with his work to order food." Her neck flares an angry pink as she recounts the office showdown. I got lost somewhere between "What do you mean 'your' work" and "stuffing envelopes for a month." But I knew enough not to suggest watching baseball over her celebrity dance show when the story finally reached its conclusion.
Exercise 29 - Dialogue with Action:
Slowly, my grandmother shuffled the cards. She held them in one soft, wrinkled hand and let them flip into the other. Then she laid out the solitaire board. One card methodically laid on the next to form perfect rows. Watching her deal was a painfully slow process.
"So, what did the doctor say about the chest pains?" I ask. I know that she doesn't want to tell me, but can't resist asking her when we're finally alone.
"Oh, just that I should keep eating my cheerios. I have the body of a forty year old." She pulled three cards from the top of the deck and flipped them face up, studying their suits and numbers.
"Grandma. You are having chest pains almost daily. He probably was more concerned that that." I stare at the game board. There is a move she could make but doesn't see. Instead she flips three more cards over, covering that move for good.
"Hmm?" She asked without looking up from the cards.
"I give up." I say. I push my chair out, scraping it against the linoleum floor. "I give up."
Part Five:
Exercise 32:
"Fuck you," I say. "Fuck you and all your bullshit. I'm tired of always carrying the water for you. Just sick of it." Or, at least, that's what I would say. Out loud. To her face. "Fuck you." I can just see her expression. Shock first. Her mouth a big, gaping O, making her look even more stupid than she already is. Then the quick transition to angry. Oh she'd be pissed. Her face would go all red. And the big blue vein that runs down the center of her forehead would pop out and say hello. But she wouldn't be able to speak at first. She wouldn't know what to say. And in that precious, golden moment of silence I would say, "I quit." When I walked out people would clap and slap me on the back. They'd all want to be me, wishing they had been the ones to tell Cathy off. God it would be great. I elevator dings and the door opens. I walk into my office, the sound of phones and desk chairs greeting me.
"Good morning" Cathy says as I walk past.
"Good morning," I respond. "Fuckface," I add in my head. It's very satisfying.
Creative Writing Class for Grades 10-12
13 years ago
I like the "fuckface" one......reminds me of people at work. It perfectly illustrates the concept of being "fake" or "two-faced", which we all are at some point....
ReplyDeleteResponse to Exercise 29 – Dialogue with Action
ReplyDeleteSarah,
What a salient little scene you have constructed here; what you describes reminds me of playing the card game “King’s Corners” with my grandmother. Exactly like you describe, she utilized and “milked” her more than methodical approach to the simple card game whenever there was something that she did not want to confront with my mother. Also, as her cognitive capabilities began to degrade because of dementia she later developed, she more or less maintained the ability to be ridiculously good at “King’s Corners.”
Although I think you do a fantastic job at explaining your grandmother’s method re her game of solitaire and your cognitive reactions toward it, I feel as though you could do a bit more “showing” vs. “telling” to further develop these two points. For example, you explicitly state that, “Watching her deal was a painfully slow process.” Although you “show” vs. “tell” me some concrete visuals to help you develop and support this general statement (e.g., flipping through the cards one by one in her hands and laying them in neat rows), how could you slow down / stretch out these concrete details even more and make me feel the pain created by your grandmother’s method alongside you? In other words, how could you make me feel something close to the reaction you had without explicitly telling me that I should feel pained?
Otherwise, I really feel that this is a great little scene that provokes a lot of emotion. If you chose to develop it more, I definitely think that you could provoke even more emotion with more concrete detail. Awesome job!
-Rick Filipkowski
This is in response to your piece about the grandmother above. I think you have balanced the dialogue with the action very well. Your details with the grandmother's hands and the card shuffling and laying down is very good. I can really feel the slowness of the scene, the grandmother's age, and the grandchild's impatience.
ReplyDeleteThe only part I had a difficult time with was at the very end. The abrupt exit on the part of the grandchild seemed just that -- abrupt, but probably too much so. Perhaps there is more at the beginning of this story that makes his/her reaction more understandable, but it seems to come out of nowhere to me.
And, I love the "Hmm?" -- perfectly placed and I can hear it exactly.
Exercise 29 stood out for me. I really like the way you gave the dialog, then spoke to what their inner thoughts were.
ReplyDeleteI have to also mention Exercise 32, mostly because this is what I always want to say ... but don't.
I enjoyed exercise 27. I know people that are just like that where they whirl into the room start rambling and in reality I don't need to say a thing they can carry a whole conversation complete with all the drama. I particularly enjoyed how you through in little tidbits of information about Gina as she was going on about Matt. Good work!
ReplyDelete